The Derisive Duck

A Satirical Weekly Business & Financial Satire

News, business, sports and political satire and parody

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WASHINGTON, D.C. (Bloomberg Business) President Obama, in a daring night raid on the House of Representatives, dispatched the elite Navy SEALs to save the U.S. economy.

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"How to Make Pennies from Penny Stocks" by Howie Short now on sale in leading bookstores.

"I made 27 cents in a little less than three weeks!" Jason Menard of Billings, Mont.

WALL STREET, N.Y. (Wall Street Journal) The Sinaloa Drug Cartel announces an I.P.O. offering of stock underwritten by the investment bank, Goldman Sachs.

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"After buying Howie's book for $45.95, a turned a profit of almost 9 cents in just one week!" Sarah
Nickelsworth, Great Neck, New York.

Just In: exclusive interview by Jaime Dimon, CEO of JP Morgan
Chase and Derisive Duck's senior business editor.

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Learn a new language in only 30 minutes while watching TV!
A new DVD from Millstone Ltd. for only $39.95 guarantees you will learn a new language in 30 minutes.

"I learned a new language in only 20 minutes while having sex with my then boyfriend Tim, the a--hole. He never called again but at least I'm

SEATTLE, WA. Starbucks expands into Hospice nationwide to
bring "quality coffees, lattes and frappuccinos to the dying".

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fluent in Serbo-Croatian.
Gracie Phillips, Brooklyn, N.Y.

Charleston, S.C. (New York Times) ROMNEY ADMITS PRACTICING VULTURE CAPITALISM. Accused by Perry and others of engaging in "vulture capitalism," Republican presidential candidate, Mitt Romney, admitted to a senior Derisive Duck political correspondent today that he did indeed trade in vultures while at Bain. "Few people realize what productive animals vultures really are," said Romney. "I am proud of my vulture record and the jobs we created. These majestic birds circle in the sky looking for the dead or near dead. Then swoop down and pick the critters' bones clean of every scrap and morsel of flesh, leaving noting but a skeleton to dry in the sun, much like, now that I think of it, what we did at Bain.

Wall Street, New York. (Bloomberg Finance) CORZINE NOW REMEMBERS HE LEFT THE MISSING 1.2B$ ON THE SUBWAY. Under intense questioning by a congressional subcommittee, Jon Corzine suddenly remembered that he left MF Global's missing 1.2 billion dollars on the seat next to him on the 8 o'clock J Train from Manhattan to Wall Street. "Now I distinctly remember," said Corzine, "I had the money in a black Louis Vuitton saddlebag on the seat next to me. I also remember that there was a muslim-looking man sitting across from me eyeing the bag." Corzine, a former senator and New Jersey governor, said he was taking the money back to MF Global to return it to all the ranchers and farmers who had entrusted MF Global with their funds. "Just a spot of bad luck, I guess," concluded Corzine to the Senate committee on Tuesday.

Rome, Italy. (Reuters News) ITALY'S UNEMPLOYMENT RATE HITS 100%. A report released today by the European Council of Employment Statistics (ECES) indicated that no one is working in Italy anymore. And because no one is making anything, exports fell to zero (seasonally adjusted) while imports soared more than 23%. On the heels of this shocking news, Moody's Ratings downgraded Italy's credit to double YHCBB (You Have to be Crazy to Buy these Bonds). The last person gainfully employed in Italy was Sophia Giordano, an assistant pastry chef at a Roman trattoria. Sophia, in an exclusive interview with a Derisive Duck reporter today, said "nobody in Italy works anymore, working is for the Germans. We Italians prefer a life of good food and no stress."

Charlottesville, VA. (Bloomberg News) ALLOWANCE SUSPENSION CAUSES MARKET CRASH. The Dow Jones Industrial average spiraled downward more than 500 points Tuesday on the news that 8-year-old Jennifer Warren's allowance of $5.25/month has been suspended by her father for allegedly failing, after repeated warnings, to clean up after her cat, Purrr. News of the one month suspension caused the already jittery European and Asian markets to also end the day in steep decline. Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke offered to personally empty Purrr's cat box if Mr. Warren would rescind Jen's punishment. Mr. Warren replied, that Jen needed to 'learn a lesson.' Upon hearing the news of the stalemate, Toys R Us and other major retailers began to lay off staff and close stores anticipating reduced demand on the heels of this new blow to an already fragile economy.

Washington, D.C. (AP) JULY CCI (COUCH CHANGE INDEX) SHOWS ANOTHER DECLINE. For the third month in a row the CCI (which measures the amount of loose change lost under the cushions of the average American's couch) declined and was down 3.5% from July of 2010. "This is troubling news for our economy," according to Secretary of the Treasury, Timothy Geithner. "We have already suffered a 4.2% decline in the WWI (Wishing Well Index)," lamented Geithner, "this news could be the death knell for our already fragile economy. Geithner will recommend remedial measures to the President, including requiring the US Mint to make more change, and a presidential decree increasing the wishes granted at wishing wells from one to three. House republicans have condemned the wish increase as inflationary and just another example of out-of-control big government.

Washington D.C. (N.Y. Times) SUPREME COURTS UPHOLDS RIGHT OF POLITICIANS TO SELL VOTES ON EBAY. In a narrow 5-4 vote, the Supreme Court upheld the right for all members of congress to sell their votes to the highest bidder on Ebay. For the majority, Justice Anthony Kennedy wrote, "selling votes is protected speech under the First Amendment and is an American tradition as old as the Constitution itself." Justice Kennedy continued,"and is protected by the inalienable right for every American citizen to make a quick buck. Why should representatives and senators be held to higher standards than the rest of us?" Ebay stock rose 3 points on the news.

Wall Street, NY. (WSJ) STOCK MARKET GOES UP AND DOWN. The stock market today, unexpectedly, went up and down. And, according to noted Princeton economist, Andre Malkowitz, it is expected to do the same tomorrow, next week, and well into 2012. Other leading economists are warning investors that in this kind of market they could either lose or make money. According to Malkowitz, this is a market of uncertainty, no one really knows what's going to happen. It's best just to lay low and keep your powder dry.

New York, NY. (Bloomberg News) RARE PHOTO OF JESUS SOLD AT CHRISTIE'S. An early black & white photograph of Jesus of Nazareth was sold at Christies Fine Art Auction to an anonymous Chinese antiquities investor yesterday for 2.7 million dollars. The photograph (authenticated by experts) was discovered by Vern Ludwich, a Long Island train inspector while cleaning out his mother's attic. "At first I thought it was just Uncle Lenny, who was always running around with a towel on his head and a twinkle in his eye, " said Ludwich. "Then my wife says, honey, that's not Uncle Lennie, that's Jesus!"