DUCK'S INDEX

Satire & Parody weekly

Cost to have the remains of a cremated pet set off in a fireworks display by an Australian clown: $990.00
Cost to have the remains of your spouse set off in a fireworks display by an Australian clown: $325.00

Rank of Phildellphia among U.S. cities with the most per capita purchases of sweatpants and sweatshirts: 1
Percent of Americans who don't find this surprising: 100

Percentage of Republicans who believe in demonic possession: 68
Percentage of Republicans who are actually possessed by demons: 76

Portion of the French who are pessimistic about the future: 7/10
Portion of the French who are pessimistic about the past 7/10

Number of bullets fired at human targets by German police in 2011: 36
Number of bullets fied at human targets by American police in 2011: 1,366,789

Amount spent by the coal industry to promote 'clean coal': $40,000,000
Amount spent by the coal industry to actually clean up coal pollution: $0

# of Americans killed in Iraq & Afghanistan 2011: 472
# of Americans killed in the U.S. by Americans in 2011: 14,748

Number of private U.S. citizens killed in terriorist attacks in 2010: 15
Number killed by falling television sets: 16
Number killed by attacking chihuahuas: 17

Calories in Carl's Jr.'s Six Dollar Burger with fries: 2160
Average daily total calories consumed by an adult Somali: 1540

Change in U.S. household spending on gasoline in 2010: +18 billion dollars
Change in U.S. household spending on food in 2010: -18 billion dollars.

Date of the Supreme Court's decision removing corporate spending limits on political campaigns: Jan. 21, 2010
Date upon which the United States government changed from a democracy to a plutocracy:
Jan 21, 2010

Percentage of teenagers who would consider a career in engineering: 61
Percentage of teenagers who would consider engineering after hearing they would have to
learn math: 7

Amount donated to charity by men being watched by women in a British study: $3.84
Amount donated by men when being watched by men: $2.76
Amount donated by men when not watched at all: $.27

Number of letters from Americans President Obama reads each evening: 10
Number of letters from President Obama Americans read each evening: 3

# of designer vigina operations paid for by the British Health Service in 2010: 2,000
# of designer penis operations paid for by the British Health Service in 2010: 0

Number of minutes the average British dog watches TV each day: 50
Number of minutes the average British cat watches TV each day: 287

Human population reaches the 7 billion mark.
Africa's Western Black Rhino declared extinct in the wild.

Percentage change in the median household wealth of white families since 2005: -16
Percentage change of Hispanic families: -66
Percentage change of homeless families: -100

Average amount the tooth fairy left for a tooth in 2010 according to Visa: $3.00
Average amount so far in 2011: $2.60
Increase in tooth fairy gross profits so far in 2011: +68%

Profits before taxes of Mexico's drug cartels: 48 billion US$.
Profits after taxes of Mexico's drug cartels: 48 billion US$.

Average amount spent on food per month by an American family of four: $426.00
Average amount spent by a Somali family of four: $0

Chances an Afghan police recruit will know how to read: 1 in 10
Chances an Afghan police recruit will know how to shoot: 1 in 250

Percent of teenagers who admit they text while in class: 82
Who admit they text while driving: 71
Who admit they text while having sex: 47

Percent of annual income donated to charity by New York hotel maids: 5.2
Percent donated to charity by New York investment bankers: .06

Percentage of dog owners who think their dogs are of above average intelligence: 93
Percentage of dogs who think their owners are of above average intelligence: 6

Chances of being killed by a terrorist while traveling abroad: 1 in 394,000
Chances of marrying a terrorist while traveling abroad: 1 in 296

Average price paid by panhandlers in Johannesburg to rent a baby: $3.00
Average price paid by panhandlers to rent a puppy: $8.25

Percentage of scuba divers who say they dream of sharks: 28
Percentage of sharks who say they dream of scuba divers: 87

Number of Pontiacs in Pontiac, Michigan: 3,723
Number of tombstones in Tombstone, Arizona: 792
Number of Dans in Danville, California: 37

Percentage of Britons who admit that they shower in the nude: 26

Percentage of Americans who think most Americans do not live up to their responsibilities: 68
Percentage of Americans who actually don't live up to their responsibilities: 68