The Derisive Duck

A Satirical Newspaper

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News, business, finance, sports, media and political & religious satire and parody.

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New York, N.Y. (Bloomburg Politics) ROMNEY REACHES OUT TO WOMEN. Presidential candidate Mitt Romney unveiled 3 point plan to appeal to women voters.

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CHARLESTON, S.C. (Reuters) NEWT GINGRICH RUSHED TO HOSPITAL DURING REPUBLICAN DEBATE. At the Republican debate in South Carolina last Thursday, Newt Gingrich suffered a severe and debilitating smirk freeze.

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WASHINGTON, D.C. (AP) DEFENSE DEPT. SELLS NAMING RIGHTS. Due to severe budget reductions, the Defense Dept. has begun selling naming right to major U.S. weapons systems and military installations.
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1 person was just thumbing a ride to Flagstaff, Arizona.

	KARACHI, PAKISTAN. (Reuters) PAKISTAN COMPLAINS OVER FLAG SHORTAGE. Unable to obtain enough American flags for their daily flag burnings, Pakistani protesters are fuming. "We can no longer get enough flags to burn" said a major Pakistani flag importer, "everybody wants American flags for their protests, especially now that U.S.-led forces are bombing our troops. It's pitiful, our people are having to draw American flags on their underwear." Derisive Duck called Neal Laffer, owner of the Vermont Flag & Emblem Co., who said and we quote,"business to Pakistan has been especially good. Our factory is running 24 hours a day but still we cannot keep up with demand. Orders are also pouring in from Iran, Afghanistan and Iraq. Isn't America great? They must all love our country very much," he exulted.
	TOLEDO, OHIO. (AP) JOE THE PLUMBER ANNOUNCES BID FOR HOUSE SEAT. Joe Wurzelbacher, aka Joe the Plumber, will campaign for the house seat in Ohio's 9th District. Joe has vowed to clean up the cesspool, metaphorically and literally, of Washington politics. The news of Joe's run has spread across America and inspired other trades people to run for national office. Bob Cravitz, aka Bob the Baker, is running for a house seat in Texas on the promise that, if elected, "America, like the dough of my famous ciabatta, will rise again." In Las Vegas, Sandee G. (aka Sandee the Stripper), running for a house seat, promises, if elected, to "take off all her clothes for America." And Mel Montrose, owner of Mel's Auto Shop, running for a senate seat in Montana, vows to "get the engine of America running again."
	HOLLYWOOD, CA. (LA Times) REPUBLICAN DEBATE AWARDS ANNOUNCED. The much anticipated Republican Debate Awards were released today in Hollywood. The awards include: Swimsuit Award; Ron Paul, winning hands down in a 'stunning' black sequined speedo. Best Makeup to look like Ronald Reagan; Eric Cantor. Miss Congeniality; Herman Cain. Candidate with the most references to God in debate answers; Michele Bachman. Best Presidential Looking Hair; Rick Perry and Mitt Romney (a tie). Candidate whose name most closely resembles an aquatic amphibian; Newt Gingrich. Best 'moderate' candidate who doesn't stand a change in hell; Jon Huntsman. And finally, Candidate whose name most closely resembles a hospital for those afflicted with tuberculosis; Rick Santorum.

WALL STREET, NEW YORK. (REUTERS) OBAMA JOINS OCCUPY WALL STREET DEMONSTRATIONS. Encouraged by his advisors to "pimp his image," President Obama joined the 'Occupy Wall Street' demonstrators today brandishing a homemade anti-greed cardboard sign that his daughters, Malia and Sasha, had made for him that morning. The President told reporters that he wanted to return to his Chicago activist roots and join the angry marchers who felt disenfranchised by big banks and Wall Street financiers. "I feel your indignation," he was quoted as saying to the cheering crowd. The President joined the marchers and, caught up in the excitement and fervor of the moment, threw a brick at the plate glass window in front of Goldman Sachs, unaware, apparently, that the window was shatter-proof. The President was arrested and released by NYPD on his own recognizance.

May 7, 2012

Twenty-fourth Edition

Updated Mondays

AUSTIN, TEXAS. (AP) PERRY SIGNS NEW GUN LAW. Governor and presidential candidate Richard 'Rick' Perry signed into law today HB045, which gives Texans the legal right to shoot someone who 'just pisses them off.' The new law, vigorously promoted by the NRA, gives Texans the right to use deadly force on annoying or rude people. Some of the offenses covered under the new law include: cutting someone off in traffic, not cleaning up after your dog, having more than 5 items in the express checkout lane, and ordering more than two drinks at a time at Starbucks. "This law will bring decorum and manners back to Texas," said Perry, as he fired his Colt 45 into the air to announce a new era in Texas civility.

A satirical weekly covering news, sports, business and politics.

TEL AVIV, ISRAEL. (UPI) ISRAEL ANNOUNCES NEW SETTLEMENTS IN JORDAN AND SYRIA. Israel's interior minister announced two new condo developments on Tuesday: Jordan Gardens and Syrian Oaks. "In East Israel, (formerly the West Bank or Palestine) we have filled all the land with our settlements, so now, as God has directed us, we must expand into neighboring countries." "Of course we have close historical and religious ties to these new areas", said Israeli PM Benjamin Netanyahu. "Wherever they are." "Remember, God said to Israel: 'Go to all the neighboring lands, in Arabah, the Negev, Lebanon, even New Jersey, and take possession of the land aften making only a small down payment.'"

WASHINGTON D.C. (AP) OBAMA & BOEHNER AGREE ON DEBT CEILING. In an historic agreement, President Obama and Speaker Boehner agreed on a debt ceiling extension. "It was a win-win agreement," said Obama, "that shows we were able to compromise on behalf of the American people." Under the agreement, the capitol of the United States will be moved to Salina, Kansas, and Obama will, by law, be required to wear a t-shirt that says, "I Am A Muslim." "Isn't compromise great?" said Obama, as he and Michelle packed their belongings for Kansas.

Public Service Announcements:

Jews for Allah will meet this coming Tuesday at 7:30 PM

Muslims for Jesus
will meet Friday at 6:30 PM

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Today's Horoscope:

Allow yourself a day to wallow in self pity. Beverage suggestion for wallowing: a nice lightly chilled New Zealand Sauvignon Blanc.

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BEIJING, CHINA. (AP) CHINA BUYS GREECE FOR 200 YUAN (about $30.94). Chinese Central Banker, Zhau Xiaochuan, announced the sale today. "Yes, we have bought Greece," said Zhau, "it was just too good a deal to pass up. How many countries can you buy for about $30.00US?" Greek PM George Papandreou lamented, "we could no longer afford ourselves, selling was our only option." Papandreou added, "we hope the sale will restore our prosperity and improve our cuisine."

NEW YORK, NY. (WSJ) DUMMIES ANNOUNCES A NEW 'PENIS PHOTOGRAPHY' GUIDE BOOK. "Penis photography is a growing market," according to editor Janice Fowles. "We wanted to offer a guide to beginning penis photographers who may have been attracted to this media by Rep. Weiner and other noted politicians." Dummies offers tips for lighting, mood, color cast and optimizing for the web. This is the only how-to book you'll ever need to photograph your penis, according to Fowles.

SWAT VALLEY, PAKISTAN. NEW AL-QUEDA FUND RAISER. Ayman al-Zawahiri, al-Queda's new leader, released a video tape yesterday announcing the third annual al-Queda rummage & bake sale to be held somewhere in the Swat Valley for the benefit of Swat Valley widows and orphans. For information or tickets go to www.al-Queda.org.

New Features:

Announcing our new Religion/Health page. This will be a regular feature on Derisive Duck

Coming soon:

Dancing with
Republicans