The Derisive Duck

A Satirical Newspaper

                                                                     1st Anniversary Edition
   Updated Weekly

News, business, finance, sports, media and political & religious satire and parody.

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OSHGOSH, WISC. (Oshgosh Gazette) Local newspaper delivery
supervisor gets email from Nigeria promising millions.

                                                                                                       Full Story

 

 BOCA RATAN, FLA. (Wall Street Journal) Inventor of 'This Page Intentionally Left Blank' found dead at Harris Teeter. 

                                                                                   Full Story

This space for rent, cheap. I mean really cheap, like what do you have cheap.

 DENVER, CO. (CNN News) Obama blames Romney's aftershave
for making him lose the debate.  

                                                                                   Full Story

See us at:


JANESVILLE, WISC. (Washington Post) V.P. Candidate Paul Ryan's 'perfect game' story challenged by little league historian Ruth Baskerville.

                                                                                    Full Story

This hand lost its thumb in
a hunting accident.

NEW YORK, N.Y. (Bloomburg Politics) ROMNEY REACHES OUT TO WOMEN. Presidential candidate Mitt Romney unveiled 3 point plan to appeal to women voters.

                                                                                    Full Story

2 people liked this article.

BEIJING, CHINA. (AP) CHINA BUYS GREECE FOR 200 YUAN (about $30.94). The Chinese Central Bank announced the sale today: "Yes, we have bought Greece."

                                                                                   Full Story

3 people said this article left them feeling detached and listless.
newt

CHARLESTON, S.C. (Reuters) NEWT GINGRICH RUSHED TO HOSPITAL DURING REPUBLICAN DEBATE. At the Republican debate in South Carolina last Thursday, Newt Gingrich suffered a severe and debilitating smirk freeze.

                                                                                      Full Story


18 people hated this article,
including 3 who became nauseous.

old navy full story WASHINGTON, D.C. (AP) DEFENSE DEPT. SELLS NAMING RIGHTS. Due to severe budget reductions, the Defense Dept. has begun selling naming right to major U.S. weapons systems and military installations.
                                                                                       Full Story
1 person was just thumbing a ride to Flagstaff, Arizona.
obama WALL STREET, NEW YORK. (REUTERS) OBAMA JOINS OCCUPY WALL STREET DEMONSTRATIONS. Encouraged by his advisors to "pimp his image," President Obama joined the 'Occupy Wall Street' demonstrators today brandishing a homemade anti-greed cardboard sign that his daughters, Malia and Sasha, had made for him that morning. The President told reporters that he wanted to return to his Chicago activist roots and join the angry marchers who felt disenfranchised by big banks and Wall Street financiers. "I feel your indignation," he was quoted as saying to the cheering crowd. The President joined the marchers and, caught up in the excitement and fervor of the moment, threw a brick at the plate glass window in front of Goldman Sachs, unaware, apparently, that the window was shatter-proof. The President was arrested and released by NYPD on his own recognizance.
     
     

December 16, 2013

Fourty-first Edition

Updated Most Mondays

gov perry

AUSTIN, TEXAS. (AP) PERRY SIGNS NEW GUN LAW. Governor and presidential candidate Richard 'Rick' Perry signed into law today HB045, which gives Texans the legal right to shoot someone who 'just pisses them off.' The new law, vigorously promoted by the NRA, gives Texans the right to use deadly force on annoying or rude people. Some of the offenses covered under the new law include: cutting someone off in traffic, not cleaning up after your dog, having more than 5 items in the express checkout lane, and ordering more than two drinks at a time at Starbucks. "This law will bring decorum and manners back to Texas," said Perry, as he fired his Colt 45 into the air to announce a new era in Texas civility.

 

A satirical weekly covering news, sports, business and politics.

east israel

TEL AVIV, ISRAEL. (UPI) ISRAEL ANNOUNCES NEW SETTLEMENTS IN JORDAN AND SYRIA. Israel's interior minister announced two new condo developments on Tuesday: Jordan Gardens and Syrian Oaks. "In East Israel, (formerly the West Bank or Palestine) we have filled all the land with our settlements, so now, as God has directed us, we must expand into neighboring countries." "Of course we have close historical and religious ties to these new areas", said Israeli PM Benjamin Netanyahu. "Wherever they are." "Remember, God said to Israel: 'Go to all the neighboring lands, in Arabah, the Negev, Lebanon, even New Jersey, and take possession of the land aften making only a small down payment.'"

 

 

 

 

 

obama

WASHINGTON D.C. (AP) OBAMA & BOEHNER AGREE ON DEBT CEILING. In an historic agreement, President Obama and Speaker Boehner agreed on a debt ceiling extension. "It was a win-win agreement," said Obama, "that shows we were able to compromise on behalf of the American people." Under the agreement, the capitol of the United States will be moved to Salina, Kansas, and Obama will, by law, be required to wear a t-shirt that says, "I Am A Muslim." "Isn't compromise great?" said Obama, as he and Michelle packed their belongings for Kansas.

Public Service Announcements:

Jews for Allah will meet this coming Tuesday at 7:30 PM

Muslims for Jesus
will meet Friday at 6:30 PM

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Bernie 'Sue the Bastards' Malkovitz LLC
Attorney at Law NYC
On the web: suethebastards.com

 

 

 

 

 

 

Today's Horoscope:

Allow yourself a day to wallow in self pity. Beverage suggestion for wallowing: a nice lightly chilled New Zealand Sauvignon Blanc.

 

 

 

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zhou

BEIJING, CHINA. (AP) CHINA BUYS GREECE FOR 200 YUAN (about $30.94).  Chinese Central Banker, Zhau Xiaochuan, announced the sale today. "Yes, we have bought Greece," said Zhau, "it was just too good a deal to pass up. How many countries can you buy for about $30.00US?"   Greek PM George Papandreou lamented,  "we could no longer afford ourselves, selling was our only option." Papandreou added, "we hope the sale will restore our prosperity and improve our cuisine."

dummies

 

NEW YORK, NY. (WSJ) DUMMIES ANNOUNCES A NEW 'PENIS PHOTOGRAPHY' GUIDE BOOK. "Penis photography is a growing market," according to editor Janice Fowles. "We wanted to offer a guide to beginning penis photographers who may have been attracted to this media by Rep. Weiner and other noted politicians."  Dummies offers tips for lighting, mood, color cast and optimizing for the web.  This is the only how-to book you'll ever need to photograph your penis, according to Fowles.

 

al queda

SWAT VALLEY, PAKISTAN. NEW AL-QUEDA FUND RAISER. Ayman al-Zawahiri, al-Queda's new leader, released a video tape yesterday announcing the third annual al-Queda rummage & bake sale to be held somewhere in the Swat Valley for the benefit of Swat Valley widows and orphans. For information or tickets go to www.al-Queda.org.

 

New Features:

Announcing our new Religion/Health page. This will be a regular feature on Derisive Duck

Coming soon:

Dancing with
Republicans

 


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