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March 3, 2013 Thirty-ninth Edition Updated Most Mondays |
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AUSTIN, TEXAS. (AP) PERRY SIGNS NEW GUN LAW. Governor and presidential candidate Richard 'Rick' Perry signed into law today HB045, which gives Texans the legal right to shoot someone who 'just pisses them off.' The new law, vigorously promoted by the NRA, gives Texans the right to use deadly force on annoying or rude people. Some of the offenses covered under the new law include: cutting someone off in traffic, not cleaning up after your dog, having more than 5 items in the express checkout lane, and ordering more than two drinks at a time at Starbucks. "This law will bring decorum and manners back to Texas," said Perry, as he fired his Colt 45 into the air to announce a new era in Texas civility. |
A satirical weekly covering news, sports, business and politics. |
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TEL AVIV, ISRAEL. (UPI) ISRAEL ANNOUNCES NEW SETTLEMENTS IN JORDAN AND SYRIA. Israel's interior minister announced two new condo developments on Tuesday: Jordan Gardens and Syrian Oaks. "In East Israel, (formerly the West Bank or Palestine) we have filled all the land with our settlements, so now, as God has directed us, we must expand into neighboring countries." "Of course we have close historical and religious ties to these new areas", said Israeli PM Benjamin Netanyahu. "Wherever they are." "Remember, God said to Israel: 'Go to all the neighboring lands, in Arabah, the Negev, Lebanon, even New Jersey, and take possession of the land aften making only a small down payment.'" |
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WASHINGTON D.C. (AP) OBAMA & BOEHNER AGREE ON DEBT CEILING. In an historic agreement, President Obama and Speaker Boehner agreed on a debt ceiling extension. "It was a win-win agreement," said Obama, "that shows we were able to compromise on behalf of the American people." Under the agreement, the capitol of the United States will be moved to Salina, Kansas, and Obama will, by law, be required to wear a t-shirt that says, "I Am A Muslim." "Isn't compromise great?" said Obama, as he and Michelle packed their belongings for Kansas. |
Public Service Announcements: Jews for Allah will meet this coming Tuesday at 7:30 PM Muslims for Jesus |
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